18 Jun The Fear Breakthrough

Breaking through our greatest fear means not being afraid of fear itself.

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About ten years ago, I had a discussion with a Falun Dafa practitioner.
(Falun Dafa is a self-cultivation practice for mind and body based on Truth, Compassion and Forbearance)

We had a surprisingly light discussion about fear in general.

I asked him how he handled his fears.

He explained that he asked himself questions such as, “Am I afraid of getting hurt? Am I afraid of being disliked? Am I afraid of failure? Am I afraid of death?”

As he went through each question, he would answer to himself, “No…no…no…no.”

His answers were clear: he was not afraid.

Ultimately, nothing frightened this practitioner.

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Many of us may feel that it’s impossible to be fearless as we are afraid of something, right?

We might think, “What about claustrophobia, fear of heights, fear of public speaking, etc?”

This is not to imply we must be completely without fear.

What it means is that these are only symptoms of fear or what the doctor diagnosed, but fear itself is simply an illusion and a choice in my experience.

Let me explain.

We may feel attached to fears just like alcohol, sugar or other personal desires, thus, we are addicted and cannot remove them.

Perhaps for some people that may be true.

Others may say there is an alternate choice: remove the addiction, attachments or fears…permanently.

Although intangible, unlike alcohol, fear can still be addictive.

We walk into the bar and the allure of alcohol, men, women, dancing and music draws us in.

The same is true with fear.

Fear may overcome us when we stand in front of our family, friends or company to give an important speech.

We get cold feet, sweaty palms, an increased heart rate and we choose to let fear in and stay inside us.

With practice, we have the choice to not let it in further through shifting our focus away from fear and focusing on other things such as making people laugh or engaged with questions.

As you may have read, many recovering alcoholics have replaced their old habit with something new: more time, money and confidence to do more of the things in life that they were missing.

Using our strong willpower and consistent efforts when fear arises, we can slowly remove these unwanted plagues of the mind and heart.

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Allow me to share three personal accounts of fear and how I handled them.

Please note that this article does not claim to be the ultimate solution to fear nor do I claim to have mastered fear by any means.

I do, however, hope that it serves as a useful tool to guide you in your life and provide inspiration to pass tough hurdles on the road ahead.

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The first example of fear in my life showed it’s face in my career.

Since 2001, I have been experimenting in different fields, including teaching, sales, marketing and design.

Some may say this is an impressive portfolio!

On the other hand, uncertainty and fear were at work behind the scenes.

Deep down I’ve always wished to be more like my forefathers who were hardworking and dedicated to one career path.

It wasn’t until 2015 that I realized a massive shift was needed if I was to do this.

It was time to put all my self-mastery (methods aimed at refining and improving one’s character) training to the test.

I went to the park, sat quietly and began writing my new life plan, including all the things I wanted to use my precious time for on a daily basis: career, family, volunteering and personal time.

Slowly, doors started opening for me and I was able to find support and complete a business training program.

Within one year, the training allowed me to put all the teaching, sales, marketing and design skills to good use: my own business, Nine By Nine Design was born.

Through careful reflection, and releasing hidden fears of what others thought (not being dissuaded), I was able to find my dream and claim my joy.

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The second instance of my letting go of fear appeared in my family.

Since I will only be using one example, I will discuss my relationship with my father as I experienced it.

My relationship with my father was chosen as it offers many good examples and support in light of this article.

To be clear, this article is also not an attack, criticism, emotional outburst or anything discriminatory to my father or any family member.

It is also important to know that I love and respect my father; I am grateful for his raising me over the 10+ years that we were together.

I want to bring to light events happening in my life that I am working to break through and that it may be a light in the darkness for others who have experienced similar things.

The experience I would like to share began this past winter, when I was invited to a family summer gathering, however, after much thought, I decided to meet them at a later date.

My reasons for not attending the family activity were simply that my wife and I were unable to coordinate time off work during the date that was already booked.

Importantly, the hotel was already booked without our knowing or consent regarding the dates.

Furthermore, we have gone through many family and career changes, thus making us quite exhausted.

Although I had discussed this in detail with my father several weeks before, I pointed that out again.

Finally, my wife and I already had our 3rd anniversary summer travel plans, so there was simply no room for this additional family trip.

I did my best to explain these things, but it was, to my surprise, only the beginning of long drawn-out conversations with my father, as he simply would not accept my unwillingness to attend; neither were my thoughts or feelings accepted.

My father said many things to convince me to join the activity, but his efforts had the opposite effect.

I told him this and my concerns were also rejected by means of more long drawn out discussions and rebuttals.

My childhood shock and trauma resurfaced and fear set in.

“What was he thinking?” I wondered.

One time he told me that he was acting similar to his parents. That is how he was raised.

I looked inside myself and saw the hurt.

On many occasions, I have felt heavily judged by my father.

Nothing problematic was happening in my life, but my father told me I needed a problem solved: that I cannot attend the trip and he would make it happen.

He accused me of being angry when I would not join the summer trip (see above), criticized my need to connect with him, saying that I need soothing words, as if that was a weakness.

He asserted that I need tough love (to coerce me to attend the trip).

The experience reminded me of past occasions where he told me that I am a liar when I share my personal thoughts/feelings, that I have no friends (not true), that I am wrong to believe in creationism (strong belief I have) and words that were belittling.

This honestly feels like painful mental abuse.

Please forgive me if you have another understanding of abuse; I am referring to intense pain in this case.
Note that there is nothing vitally serious here, implying that the authorities should be involved.

An important point, is that one of the main things I absorbed over the 10+ years living with my father, is that he taught me to keep my head down and work hard.

But at what cost?

Most of my life growing up, I did not believe in myself, others or God.

I now see the fear and pain in myself and am ready to let it go.

To all the parents hurting their children out there: wake up.

If you want your children to find joy, love, success and be the best they can be in life, take this sharing as a wake up call.

People need kindness, love, encouragement, support, time spent together and good heart to heart talks.

In addition, this is not to confuse a strong father for a weak one, whereas some say you just need tough love.

Some kids just need love. Period.

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One final example of overcoming fear is the deep internal fear or fear itself.

I’ve discussed fears lurking in our career or family lives, but what is fear itself?

It often refers to sensitivities such as public speaking, leadership behaviours or things that require a strong sense of self, confidence, self-esteem or belief.

In my experience, a strong belief in self or God will constantly give you the joy and strength to conquer deep hidden fears.

It is important to constantly nurture those beliefs, using many tools at your disposal such as reading, coaching, physical training, affirmations, meditation, discussions with trusted people you know, deep compassionate self-reflection, journaling or things that bring you joy or inspiration.

Those practices will constantly nurture your good side and cleanse your body and mind from the specter of fear.

In my experience, when fear is gradually removed from your life, the possibilities and potential you have are virtually endless.